Have you ever wondered at your sanity, have you ever had cause to question your state of mind? You know, did you ever just ask yourself – am I out of my mind, am I losing it? Well I think that if I grew up better I would have asked myself a lot more than once. But I didn’t, and now that I think about it – wait that’s best kept for later.
Just so we’re clear, if I keep saying than I didn’t grow up right it’s not because my parents were bad – on the contrary they were –are great, I don’t have a bad memory that I can credit to them or anyone else for that matter, I was never maltreated – at least I don’t think that I was, and I was never starved or locked up or any other messed up thing like that, I was brought up okay, nut I didn’t grow up too well, now that I think about it, I think that I was just a really dumb kid. I have this great mind – I know now that I do but I just didn’t use it, I didn’t read enough, didn’t study enough, didn’t ask questions – actually I still don’t ask questions, better put than on the change list. Now that that is out in the open, let’s get to the matter of today – am I crazy?
Well no! I’m not crazy! Did I ever think that I was? I think that I should have thought so, but you decide.
I remember a time, when I was little – not little little – just junior high little or something, I’m not too sure, but sometime around then, I remember a night, it was dark and we were in the kitchen – oh wait, if we were n the kitchen then she was old enough to cook, so I couldn’t have been littler than junior high, is littler even a word? Moving on… we were in the kitchen and there was this sound, it wasn’t loud or close by or anything but it was there and I could hear it over the loud noise of the neighbors generators and stuff, like I said, I wasn’t a very smart kid so of course I couldn’t really describe it and just asked my sister ridiculously – ‘do you hear that?’ ‘Hear what?’ She says. ‘That sound, it’s really getting in my head’ I return stupidly. ‘I don’t hear anything girl’ and I just let it go, it was probably the second time or there about that I had asked something like that and I knew that pressing on would be really stupid, she would think that I was crazy. I thought that she would think that I was crazy but of course I didn’t, but around here, only crazy people hear things that no one else does, and if I was hearing things, well even a dumb little girl can do the math, and so when she asked again if I still heard it, I just said that I didn’t. but of course I did, of course the sound was driving me nuts, I couldn’t go to sleep, I couldn’t block it out, I just bore it, that strange, faint, faraway sound that no one else heard. It was possible that someone other than my big sis could hear it, but I didn’t dare ask anyone else, I just lived with it, some night I notice, on some nights I don’t, I think it eventually became a part of me because at some point it just ceased to bother me.
At this point I think that I should ask – ‘do you think that I was crazy?”
It doesn’t matter really, because a couple of years later, at the university, I don’t remember exactly when but I remember it was about the time when my friend moved in with us at the hostel – did I mention that I did everything with my sister? Well, I think it was more like I did everything that she did, I attended the same primary school she did – because she did, I attended the same secondary school – again because she did, I was little and there were roads to be crossed, I needed my big sis. I also attended the same university as her – this time because I wanted to, and no! I didn’t study the same course as her, but we had mostly the same things, we wore the same clothes – she hated it, mine always got worn first, but I loved it, I love her. Hey, wait! What am I doing? Don’t get mad, it’s my thing, I just drift from a topic and I go on and on and oh where was I? yeah, it was around the time when my friend moved in with us, and then one night – it was dark as usual, I heard the strange sound as usual, but an unusual thing happened – my friend got up from her bed and said ‘damn, I think a cricket got in’ wait! a what? I of course had no idea what a cricket was – dumb kid remember?. Anyway she insisted that she couldn’t go to bed until the damn cricket was found, and so we looked everywhere in the room for it until we eventually found it – them, I learned that they move in pair, I actually still haven’t verified that piece of information but whatever, it doesn’t matter, what mattered was that the sound was gone! The strange sound was gone! Okay, not gone entirely, there were still crickets outside the room and stuff but the sound was gone because I knew then for sure that I wasn’t crazy – yeah, I had my doubts – I knew what it was, I knew that my sister didn’t hear it because it was a sound that was a part of the night, and although it was strange that my brain would single it out and focus on it, I wasn’t crazy. I am certain that my friend still has no idea what she did for me that night – I mean I tried to tell her but she just laughed it off because she thought it was crazy that anyone would think themselves crazy over a silly cricket, being a dumb kid sucked, it still sucks. So I am going to change.
Thanks for reading my very long very boring story; I don’t really know why I just told you. Actually… I think I kinda do – it’s cos you don’t know me, it’s always a great feeling pouring out your heart when the other person doesn’t know that it’s you, it’s almost like having a confession! But I have no idea what it is to have a confession, I have never had one, but it looked like it would feel like this from the movies. I think I was about signing out, yeah I was, I am stopping now, and I’m stopping. I’m going to stop writing now. Okay! Bye!
Peace be with you…